someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
