I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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