her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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