Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
