The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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