I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
