so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
