I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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