i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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