RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
