I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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