I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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