i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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