Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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