Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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