did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
