if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
