i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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