I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
