I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
