Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
