Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
