I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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