i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Text me some of your sweat
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