is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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