I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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