you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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