1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
