seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
