I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
