fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
