I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
