I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
