Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
