The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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