i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize