My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
