OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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