Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
