You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
