A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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