OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
