I got chris browned last night
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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