I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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