New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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