dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
