Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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