WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
