I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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