Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I could make wine with my vomit
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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