Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
