Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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