my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
