this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
