There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
