I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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